Positive Intent

In the Becky Bailey book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, this weeks chapter that I read was all about positive intent. In a nutshell, no matter what problematic behavior a child does they have a valid reason for it. It may go back to them seeking quality attention or safety... or something else, but they had a reason. It's the adult's response to the behavior that labels it as "bad" or "good".

This chapter challenges adults to change their perspective and view the child's positive intent. Let me give you an example: One day this week one of my sweet attention seeking boys threw a block directly into the face of a child across from him. I said to him,"You wanted his attention, but throwing a block hurts!" He said, "Yah, I wanted to tell him something!" I said, "Okay, well next time just say, 'Look at me I want to tell you something.' He said, "Okay!!"

So before learning these skills I might have said, "What did you just do! Oh my! Go to your seat you need a time out!" Then I probably would have said, "You can't throw blocks that isn't nice!"

Do you see the difference? I labeled his behavior as not nice in the second response. No child wants to be mean or not nice, but my words reflected a negative intent.

Remember what you reflect you get back...

but it's not easy! And especially with your own children. I have LOTS of patience for my classroom children and my restraint wains with my own at times. That's why it is "Conscious Discipline" you need to be conscious of yourself and your own responses in order to coach your child.

Coaching takes time and LOTS and LOTS of patience. Trying to control a child's behavior with a punishment is quick, for example: go to time out, give a spanking, yelling. Controlling behavior models impulsivity to our children. It tells them that I want this bad behavior to stop RIGHT NOW! Sound familiar... I want this toy (right now), I want this cupcake (right now), I want your attention (right now). You get the picture.

Dr. Bailey actually insinuates that this lack of coaching for our children is partly to blame for the impulsivity of our children. We are all so busy that it is HARD to take the time to do this but stopping yourself, breathing, and changing your perspective will teach your child what to do the next time and the next. Just remember it can take up to 80 times of coaching before a child will internalize the skill and be able to do it on their...

that's LOTS of breathing for us and patience!!

Phew! Good Luck!